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Illustration by Mark Nerys
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1. Make sure you have a fucking buzzer and tell us if it doesn’t work. If you have a doorman, please don’t give us a fake name.
2. Have your money ready! I don’t want to wait around while you scramble for it.
3. If you can’t wait two hours for me to show up, I feel sorry for you. Don’t text and harass. You wait an hour for shitty Chinese food; wait for your weed. People in Manhattan are so fucking impatient.
4. Wear clothes. I’ve seen saggy boxer shorts, boobs, breast-feeding mothers. I’ve seen everything short of genitals.
5. If your door guy is problematic, make sure you tell him you are expecting a visitor.
6. If you live with people and you go out before I arrive, tell someone. It’s the worst when roommates or even kids or partners are like, �Who the fuck are you?�
7. Buy in bulk if you can. I often serve college kids who are clearly using their parents’ money and they call every day. Every day! And they buy one each time. Have a little self-control or just buy it all from me at once. I have one customer who I see five times a week. He just buys one each time and barely talks to me. He’s very awkward. No eye contact. Just mumbles.
8. I’m not your friend. I have relationships with a few clients, but you need to keep a distance. They usually ignore me if they see me on the street, or they look at me as if they just saw a zoo animal. I have definitely had weird interactions with dudes (I would never hook up with a customer), but I don’t like interacting with men in New York period. They are a different breed.
9. Don’t shout �Thank you!� when I leave. I don’t have a food bag. The money is the thank-you. Don’t be so obvious.
10. If there’s a blizzard, consider tipping. In general tipping is not expected, but if I have walked on foot through the snow, it’s the polite thing to do. We were open during Sandy! It was hard because there was hardly any cell-phone coverage or transport, and many customers didn’t even tip!
11. Don’t call when you are having a party.
12. If your partner doesn’t know you smoke, get a new partner. Please don’t put me in the middle of that.
13. If you have kids, put them in another room. I had one guy who tried to get me to hide behind a Dumpster because he had his kids with him and he was involved in a custody battle. I’ve seen a woman bust open her daughter’s piggy bank to get cash to pay me.
14. Once I’m there, you gotta buy something. You can’t tell me you don’t like the selection I have to offer. It doesn't work like that. I have to be strong about that. It’s important to maintain your power.
15. When you send your initial text for us to come over, be cool. Just say �Can you come hang?� or �Can you come by?� Don’t use the words weed, pot, or marijuana, and don’t ask if I am a cop. Don’t use the word cop. Period. Don’t tell me you aren’t a cop. Just don’t say cop.
16. It’s nice to offer food or a drink, but not necessary. This happens a lot, I guess because stoners like to eat.
17. It’s nice to offer the restroom. I will always use it when offered and I hate to ask. I’ll admit, I’ve stolen tampons and Band-Aids. Hey, I’m out on the street all day. Once I was angry because the customer was late, wasted, and lippy, so I stole their elite pearl deluxe tampons when I used the restroom.
18. Don’t be too weird. I once visited a guy in Soho who had the most sterile, creepy apartment. He proudly informed me that he has cameras everywhere. I never went back.