Infidels

For another week, almost all politics was both local and sleazy. New governor David Paterson preemptively revealed that both he and his wife, Michelle, had engaged in extramarital affairs — in his case with state employees. (“My conscience is clear,” he added.) Ashley Dupré, Eliot Spitzer’s imperial pal, shocked no one by turning up in an old Girls Gone Wild video. Not to be outdone, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey confirmed his straight driver’s claim that they’d joined ex-wife Dina Matos McGreevey for threesomes après nachos at T.G.I. Friday’s. (She denied partaking in any alleged dessert.) President Bush marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war by congratulating himself for good judgment — peacenik grannies armed with knitting needles marched through Times Square in rebuttal — while somewhere in deepest Pakistan, cranky Osama bin Laden was still complaining, via audiotape, about those Danish cartoons. Hillary Clinton — who, after Florida and Michigan backed off primary do-overs, is presumably praying for a skeleton to emerge from Barack Obama’s closet — released her White House itineraries, which revealed she’d been home during the Monica-gate episodes. For his part, Obama delivered a lengthy speech about race in America to quell muttering about his most active skeleton, conspiracy theorist–pastor Jeremiah Wright. Mayor Bloomberg, pushing up against congestion pricing’s March 31 deadline, questioned the intelligence of querulous Gracie Mansion aspirant Anthony Weiner. Commissioner Ray Kelly confirmed he’d been told to hire 1,000 fewer police recruits next year. Nixzmary Brown’s stepfather was convicted of first- degree manslaughter, while a frayed nylon strap was the primary suspect in the deadly crane accident on East 51st Street. Cosmetics kingpin Leonard Lauder gave $131 million to the Whitney Museum — almost enough to buy another Klimt. A married securities trader kicked in the cranium during a vigorous lap dance sued for damages. And onetime big swingers at Bear Stearns suffered two major indignities as their company’s holdings plunged 90 percent in less than a week — and they now work for JPMorgan Chase.