This week’s Gossip Girl was about confirmation, as characters settled into their familiar roles with the ease of a Humphrey pulling out a waffle iron. Jenny confirmed her status as the Upper East Side’s only undead jailbait, and Nate and Serena confirmed their undying dedication to their shiny-haired sex fest. Blair and Chuck used the word “fatwa” so many times that Webster’s was forced to establish a new definition, and the couple’s parting of the hearts was sealed with Blair’s final monologue — straight from a Lifetime original movie. Finally, a Baldwin brother panted over a barely legal international slut sensation to the shock of absolutely no one. On to your best comments, compiled this week by kelseyalexis.
Realer Than Dorota Knowing Blair Better Than Anyone Else
Chuck and Blair repeatedly mentioned the word fatwa like they used it as a code word for some kinky bedroom session, and now they’re trying not to be turned on by the memory of it. Plus 10. — SignatureScarf
Did Jenny say she wanted to go to a Tim Burton exhibit? If so, plus 5 because she is the true corpse bride. — London14
Was one of the caterers at Blair’s failure party carrying an Edible Arrangement? Plus 1 — OMGGG
“He’s already cured mom once” Good job Serena, spoken exactly like someone with the same IQ as an anthropomorphic Disney animal. Plus 3. — ComfortablySmug
Was Chuck offering Nate a drink in the grand Gossip Girl tradition of trying to roofie him so he’d be a better party companion? Plus 3. —PurpleAndGreen
Plus 5 for Nate acknowledging that Jenny should weight 500 lbs from eating all of the waffles, and plus 5 for him being too stupid to recognize an eating disorder even when it is wearing his shirt. — AnneTay
The contract with Bing appears to be up. Plus 2. — Vince1178
Blair: “Tomorrow, can we feed the ducks?” Dorota: “I already buy bread.” Obviously bread would be a special purchase. There’s no way Blair would allow carbs to be kept in the house. Plus 10. — IAmReallyBlair
Serena’s daddy issues are all coming together perfectly now. Clearly her desire for kitchen sex and sharing caramels with Nate stems from her childhood trips for sundaes to Serendipity with William. Plus 5. — Wonderment
Dan is the only man on the show smart enough to give in to Blair without having the entire argument. Plus 2. — SPS38
Serena looks crestfallen from the realization that she will never have a relationship with her father when reconciliation is predicated on ice cream. Plus 3. — Dignell
Notice that Nate has his name written in his shirt in case he gets lost and a grown-up needs to help him find his way home. Plus 5. — SarahNargle
And plus 10 if those hardcover books in Blair’s box o’ Chuckdom were kinky Asian sex guides. — MagnoliaCake22
Faker Than This Whole Cancer Plotline
Seriously, they wrote Eric out of the Daddy Van Der Woodsen episode? No wonder the kid attempted suicide. Minus 20. — OnceUponATime
The only reason to go to Serendipity is to get their frozen hot chocolate. But even as a 4 year old, Serena made bad decisions just to get a banana in her mouth. Minus 10 — PradaMarfa
Nate playfully tousles Jenny’s bad extensions, as if they aren’t going to fall out or attack passerby or wrap themselves around Jenny’s throat at any moment. As a guy whose eyebrows look like they might wander off his face for better grazing areas, he should know better. Minus 5. — CellarDoor
When Serena was torn between Rufus and Dr Van der Woodson, I wanted them both to start calling her: “Here Serena! No, come here!” as she confusedly turns back and forth like a puppy. Minus 10 for this not happening. — Delawhere16
Minus 10 because Chuck should have enough money to buy sex toys that don’t need to be plugged in. I’m sure battery or wireless isn’t that expensive. There’s nothing sexier than being tangled in an extension cord while trying to perform a reach around. — Pirium
Vanessa got into Tisch with a story based on her relationship with Dan? As if. Their relationship is as entertaining as watching a banana rot over the course of a month. Minus 2. — JNP1013
Minus 5 because even WASPS have names that aren’t William. That’s what Teddy is for. — Brooklyn_For_Life
Gossip Girl’s lines are getting more ridiculous every week. I honestly expected her next gossip blast to be “Chuck Bass maintains massive boner despite mystery cocktail of liquor and drugs,” or “Nate escapes Jenny’s platinum tendrils of seduction, rescued by Serena’s locks of golden love” or something else equally nauseating and absurd. No points, just…. ugh…. — NurseLuvBass
Minus 5 for the lack of PBR, High Life and cigarettes in Bushwick. — Jourgy
Minus 2 for the lame attempt at avant-garde-Bushwick-college-kid-dress in the form of Girl With Bird Hat. — LEM326
Minus 9 because isn’t vanessa a filmmaker not a writer? maybe she was turned off from the film biz after going down on lizzy mcguire earlier in the season. — TomReagan
Nate should burn that Hugo Boss shirt. It’s definitely laden with desperation, syrup, a Santorini specific sexually transmitted disease, and yard long strands of blonde hair that double as choking devices for sexual or combat purposes. Minus 20 because at this point this unholy nectar is likely all over Manhattan and insanely poisonous. Only Georgina is immune. — KDOW3
Unless superpowers are involved, any person downing scotch like that would be making an ass of themselves within the hour. I know. Minus 50. — Stiletto33
Carter’s PI found out where Serena’s dad was over and over again, but never caught on to the fact that he was treating Lily? Minus 10 — Rinmerlin
Minus 10 for the saturated colors and overall strange lighting in this episode. What is this, CSI: Miami? — NeverHaveNeverWill
