Of all the adjectives a person can apply to COVID, “humorous” is not generally among them. Unless that person is Ron DeSantis, the Republican governor of Florida, where new COVID cases are surging and set to break an all-time high. DeSantis is a harsh critic of masking and lockdowns, despite his state’s history with the virus, and time has not softened his stance.
During a Wednesday appearance at a conference of the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC), which writes conservative legislation, DeSantis took in a mostly maskless audience and joked, “Did you not get the CDC’s memo? I don’t see you complying.”
The CDC, of course, announced on Tuesday that vaccinated people in areas with rising rates of COVID, such as Florida, may have to mask up again indoors. This is an annoyance at worst, but a handful of conservatives have reacted with flippancy, as DeSantis did, or with outrage. Representative Lauren Boebert of Colorado reportedly threw a mask at a House staffer on Wednesday, after the chamber mandated masks again.
DeSantis’s jocular attitude is preferable, maybe, to Boebert’s belligerence. But he’s still a ghoul, and a selfish one at that. There is a pandemic, the Delta variant exists, and the science changes as the virus evolves. Most of us learn as children that sometimes we have to do things when we would prefer not to; COVID merely raises the lesson’s stakes. Others, however, would prefer to crack jokes about measures that could save lives.
But maybe DeSantis deserves some sympathy. Public speaking can be difficult. You’ve got to come up with an icebreaker, which is difficult if you entirely lack a sense of humor. Offered in a charitable spirit, here are some new jokes for DeSantis to try out during his next public appearance.The nanny state is expansive, after all, and there’s so much to laugh about.
Lifeguards
Really, who needs them? Your life is your own responsibility. If you go to the beach and get in trouble, well, sorry! You have approximately five seconds to accept Jesus Christ as your LORD and Savior before you drown. What’s that, you ask? Where’s the punch line? I thought that was obvious. It’s death! Haha!
Seat Belts
There may be no greater sign of government overreach than the humble seat belt. It’s none of my business if your car is safe to drive. Anyway, you’re accepting a risk by getting on the road in the first place. Show the man who’s boss, and stop wearing one! Once again, the punch line is death. Thank you, ALEC, you’re a great audience. Haha!
The FDA
Some people believe that food and medicine ought to be safe for human consumption. Those people are cowards. We’ve become a nation of weaklings, ladies and gentlemen, and the FDA is to blame. Unfettered entrepreneurial innovation is the way of the future, and nanny state inspections are the past. I have with me a brown bottle which contains a mystery substance, and I’m going to pass it around. Good luck! Haha!
Animal Control
What is freedom, brothers and sisters? It looks like a rabid raccoon in your backyard. Wait, no, hear me out — you might think that raccoon is a public menace but really, it’s your personal problem. Why should I be inconvenienced by subsidizing animal control? You’ll be stronger for the challenge. Just be very careful, and don’t look it in the eyes. Haha!
Fire Departments
Some houses deserve to burn. That may sound harsh, but it’s true, we’ve all seen them. It’s the only way to get the spirits out. Fire departments are an impediment to progress. The trucks are loud and they get in the way of my car and they are an enemy of the purifying flame. It’s a shame if someone happens to be in the house but also, that’s not my problem, is it? Haha!
