When you’re a celebrity promoting a book, there are a few basic things you need to accomplish. You want to make it clear what kind of book it is, tease some of the content, and clearly state the release date.
But of course, Melania Trump is not a normal celebrity. She’s a former First Lady who’s best known for making the White House Christmas decorations spooky, wearing a rude jacket, and skipping almost all of Donald Trump’s 2024 campaign events.
So it’s no surprise that the promotional campaign for Melania’s forthcoming memoir is quite unconventional. A July press release revealed that the self-titled Melania contains dozens of pages of photos, along with “personal stories … she has never before shared with the public.” But there’s a lot we don’t know, and Melania’s promotional efforts are only adding to the mystery. For the past few weeks she has been posting heavily (yet inconsistently) stylized videos to her social-media pages. Many are shot in black-and-white with ominous music. Sometimes Melania speaks to the camera, but other videos are silent. In one she floats an assassination conspiracy theory, and in another she drops a hot take on her husband’s legal troubles. None of the videos mention the book’s release date (which is October 8, 2024).
In an effort to piece together what this book even is (straight Becoming-style memoir? Campaign book? Trumpy coffee table book?) and revel in the weirdness that is Melania, I will list and rate all the promotional videos below. Each entry will be rated on a scale of one to five “What is she thinking” beluga whales, with one being “nearly normal” and five being “utterly confounding.”
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July 25: Suprise, it’s MELANIA
The sentiment in this first tweet is so generic that it could be applied to almost literally any book. It is mainly notable for the introduction of the weird graphic that concludes all the promotional videos: The word “MELANIA” sneaks up behind a shot of the book, which bears the title Melania. The book photo lingers over the word for a few seconds then dissolves, leaving only “MELANIA” on the screen. Did you know this book is titled Melania?
Rating: 🐋 1/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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August 25: Nothing to see here
This is the book-description equivalent of Mo’s eulogy from Succession. It might as well say, “I’m here as a fellow human to acknowledge that I have, as we know, written a book.”
Rating: 🐋 1/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 5: Can you handle Melania’s truth?
This is where things start to get a little kooky. Melania says this while speaking directly to the camera:
Writing this memoir has been a deeply personal and reflective journey for me. As a private person who has often been the subject of public scrutiny and misrepresentation, I feel a responsibility to clarify the facts. I believe it is important to share my perspective: the truth.
I guess the black-and-white interrogation-room lighting fits with the theme of getting closer to Melania’s “truth,” but it’s an odd look.
Rating: 🐋🐋 2/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 8: Melania may or may not have political opinions
Melania, who only does a voice-over for this video, drops a few vague sentences that almost constitute a political opinion:
The 2020 election results changed our lives forever. It impacted our quality of life, cost of food, gasoline, safety, and even the geopolitical landscape. America is more divided today than ever before. It has become increasingly apparent that there are significant challenges to free speech as demonstrated by the efforts to silence my husband.
So is this book, which comes out just weeks before another election that may “change our lives forever,” going to get into the Trump campaign’s policies? Or did Melania just throw an attack at Donald’s haters (or, rather, the judge who placed him under a fairly limited gag order) into this promotional spot for her book? It’s unclear!
Rating: 🐋🐋🐋🐋 4/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 10: MAGA Carrie Bradshaw
Melania couldn’t help but wonder: Was her husband’s near-assassination an inside job? She says:
The attempt to end my husband’s life was a horrible, distressing experience. Now the silence around it feels heavy. I can’t help but wonder: Why didn’t law enforcement officials arrest the shooter before the speech? There is definitely more to this story, and we need to uncover the truth.
I have no doubt that the July 13 shooting was absolutely horrifying for Melania. And it’s no surprise that she wants answers about why the Secret Service failed to protect her husband. But is a book-promo video really the right venue for raising these questions? Does the memoir include Melania’s top presidential-assassination conspiracy theories? Guess we’ll have to read it on … some unspecified future date … to find out!
Rating: 🐋🐋🐋🐋🐋 5/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 12: Surprisingly intense thoughts on motherhood
Melania, who is suddenly in color, says:
The challenges and rewards of motherhood, from sleepless nights to joyful milestones, bring immense fulfilment that only a mother understands. The lessons I have learned from this experience are profound, and they have shaped me in ways I could never have imagined.
The zoom-in paired with Melania’s stare at the end feels a bit threatening. But I think this is just meant to convey that we’ll get cute baby pictures of Barron.
Rating: 🐋 1/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 14: A dubious reading of the Constitution
Just when you thought you knew where these videos were going, Melania kicks off a video with a dramatic unfurling of the Fourth Amendment and says:
I never imagined my privacy would be invaded by the government here in America. The FBI raided my home in Florida and searched through my personal belongings. This is not just my story. It serves as a warning to all Americans. A reminder that our freedom and rights must be respected
I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure the Fourth Amendment does not prohibit the feds from executing a search warrant when you have boxes of allegedly mishandled classified documents literally spilling out all over your house.
Rating: 🐋🐋🐋🐋 4/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 18: Let Melania be …. naked
The thumbnail for this video reads “Why do I stand proudly behind my nude modeling work?,” so you know it’s going to be a an absolute banger before you even hit play.
Here’s how Melania, in voice over, proceeds to answer this question no one asked, as we see works of art featuring nude women by John Collier, Jean-Alexandre-Joseph Falguière, and Paul Cezanne:
Why do I stand proudly behind my nude modeling work? The more pressing question is, why has the media chosen to scrutinize my celebration of the human form in a fashion photoshoot? Are we no longer able to appreciate the beauty of the human body? Throughout history, master artists have revered the human shape, evoking profound emotions and admiration. We should honor our bodies and embrace the timeless tradition of using art as a powerful means of self expression.
Melania posed naked for a French adult magazine in 1995, and for British GQ in 2000. Have media figures and social media users made gross, sexist, and totally unacceptable jabs at Melania over these photos? Absolutely. But of course there’s going to be some media discussion about your nude photos when you’re First Lady, especially when your husband is all about slut-shaming female enemies and imposing “traditional” roles for women.
Unlike some truly out-of-left-field topics Melania has raised in these book promo videos, it’s clear why she brought this up. She’s basically saying, “Naked pictures! Now that I’ve got your attention, buy my book.”
Rating: 🐋🐋🐋🐋 4/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 20: Melania never promised us a rose garden
In this disappointing installment, Melania defends her controversial White House Rose Garden renovation:
When the Committee for the Preservation of the White House asked me to renovate the Rose Garden I felt a deep responsibility to respect tradition and to preserve its grandeur for future generations. In my book I share the story of this journey. How my team and I worked to safeguard this piece of our history.
Boring Rose Garden content is exactly what you’d expect from a First Lady’s memoir. And Melania even clearly states that this topic will be covered in her book. This is not the kind of delightful chaos I’ve come to expect from the Melania promotional campaign!
Rating: 🐋 1/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 22: Melania’s rude awakening
In June 2020, the Secret Service briefly relocated Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump to a bunker as protests over the death of George Floyd reached the White House gates. It sounds like Melania was shaken by the experience:
The loud knocking on the door sent a jolt through my body. The Secret Service agent told me I need to move. Safety was paramount. Not just for me, but for the president and all of the other residents in the White House. The violent protests across the country had finally reached Pennsylvania Avenue.
She does not say anything else in the clip, so it’s unclear why she’s telling us this.
Rating: 🐋 🐋 2/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
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September 28: Fostering confusion
This one is truly a wild ride. Melania says in voice over:
As a former First Lady I have experienced the profound impact of cancel culture, on my personal and professional life. It’s disheartening to see how deeply lives can be affected, especially when it impacts communities like foster care children.
What does “cancel culture” have to do with kids in the foster care system? Even as someone well versed in Melania lore, I was stumped!
Googling suggests this may have something to do with Melania (nonsensically) crying “cancel culture” back in 2022, when she found herself under investigation for raising money for a charity benefitting foster care children that wasn’t registered in Florida. But who knows?
Rating: 🐋🐋🐋🐋🐋 5/5 “What Is She Thinking?” Whales
This piece has been updated.
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