Years before Boston Red Sox outfielder Jarren Duran played his way to the All-Star Game last year, the mounting pressure of the 2022 season nearly ended him.
Duran, 28, revealed he attempted to die by suicide in the new Netflix docuseries “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox,” which will be released Tuesday. In the fourth episode, "Still Alive," Duran opened up about his yearslong battle with depression, the attempt to take his own life with a rifle and the season that brought him to a breaking point.
Duran was inundated with negativity during the 2022 season. He was failing to live up to his own expectations, hearing the echoes of home fans’ disappointment in him and listening to announcers calling out his shortcomings.
“I would think every day, ‘I can’t f---ing do this,’” he says. “I couldn’t deal with telling myself how much I sucked every f---ing day. Like, I was already hearing it from fans and, like, what they say to me. It’s like, I haven’t told myself 10 times worse than that in the mirror.
“It was a pretty low time for me. Like, I didn’t even want to be here anymore," he continues.
Director Greg Whiteley then asks Duran, “When you say ‘here,’ you mean ‘here’ with the Red Sox or ‘here’ on planet Earth?”
"Probably both," he replies. "I got to a point where I was sitting in my room, I had my rifle and I had a bullet, and I pulled the trigger and the gun clicked, but nothing happened. So, to this day, I think God just didn’t let me take my own life, because I seriously don’t know why it didn’t go off.
“But I took it as a sign of, like, all right, I might have to be here for a reason. So that’s when I started to look myself in the mirror. After the gun didn’t go off, I was, like, ‘All right, well, like, ‘Do I want to be here, or do I not want to be here?’"
In a Tuesday statement released by the Red Sox, Duran said that while "talking about this wasn’t easy, but it felt important."
"I trusted the Netflix crew, and I knew that if I was going to share this, I had to be real about it," Duran said. "A few years ago, I found myself in a dark place, but I’m still here, and I’m so lucky I am. And if my story can help even one person, then it was worth telling. It’s that ability to help, to reach those who feel alone, that motivated me to tell my story. Right now, my focus is on the field."
He added: "We have a postseason to chase, and that’s where my head is. I’ve shared what I needed to share, and I appreciate everyone’s understanding that my focus right now is on baseball and helping my team win a World Series. I am grateful for the tremendous support I’ve received. If you’re struggling, please know there’s help. You can call a friend, a trusted person, your doctor, or an organization like Samaritans. And, if you’re in immediate danger, call 988."
Baseball leaders saluted Duran's vulnerability in the revelation.
“Jarren’s decision to share his story is an act of courage that reaches far beyond baseball,” Red Sox president Sam Kennedy said in a statement, The Boston Globe reported. “Every member of this organization continues to stand with him. He has our deepest admiration, he’s always had our full support, and we’re incredibly fortunate to have him as part of our team.”
Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred praised Duran, as well.
“Providing comprehensive mental health support for our players is a responsibility that Major League Baseball and all of our Clubs take very seriously. We commend Jarren Duran for sharing his story of perseverance,” Manfred told the Globe. “Through the courage of Jarren and other players, we are able to use our platform to demonstrate the importance of mental health awareness and communication to the fans of our national pastime.”
On Tuesday, his parents also released a statement through the Red Sox. Octavio and Dena Duran shared that as parents "there’s nothing harder than knowing your child was in pain" and that they learned the extent of what Duran was going through recently.
"We are beyond grateful that he is still here, that he has found the courage to keep going, and that he is using his voice to help others. If his story can help even one person, then it was worth sharing," the parents added. We are incredibly proud of the man he is today and love him more than words can say. We will always be in his corner."
Duran reflected on the pressures of his childhood earlier in the Netflix episode, such as feeling as though he had to live up to the high expectations his father, Octavio, set for him. His father was always pushing him to be a better player, Duran said, sometimes throwing baseballs at him when he was younger.
“It was tough love. But I feel like everybody has gone through that,” Duran said. “He was always hard on me, and I wanted to prove him wrong.”
It was no secret that Duran was facing what he calls "demons" at the time of his suicide attempt.
He publicly spoke about his mental health struggles in a 2022 Mass Live interview, opening up about the emotionally trying season and admitting it was difficult to stay in the majors.
“I’m kind of just tearing myself up internally and get pretty depressed and stuff like that," he said. "I find it hard to reach out to people, because I don’t want to bother other people with my problems. I kind of just build it up inside myself, which obviously makes everything a lot worse."
And the fans still did not let up on Duran, he says in the docuseries.
“I feel they cross the line when they start talking about, like, my mental health and making fun of me for that, calling me weak” Duran told Netflix.
But he persevered, starting the 2023 season in Triple-A and returning to the majors early that season.
His career only took off from there; he was the Most Valuable Player of the 2024 All-Star game the next year.
He wrote 'F--- ‘em’ on the tape on his left wrist, saying in the Netflix series, "It’s me telling my demons, ‘You’re not going to faze me.'"
Shortly after the All-Star Game, Duran faced an unpaid suspension for two games after he called a heckling fan a homophobic slur in a game against the Houston Astros. He apologized for the outburst in a statement after the game, which the Red Sox lost 10-2.
“I feel awful knowing how many people I offended and disappointed,” he said. “I apologize to the entire Red Sox organization, but more importantly to the entire LGBTQ community. Our young fans are supposed to be able to look up to me as a role model, but tonight I fell far short of that responsibility.”
Now, Duran stays mindful of his mental health, saying in "The Clubhouse" that it's still an everyday battle to be proud of himself. He prioritizes keeping a daily journal to process his feelings and has books of positive affirmations.
He also takes mental health reminders with him on the field. Alongside the message on his left wrist tape, Duran shared the other one written on his right.
"I write, ‘Still alive,’ because I’m still here and I’m still fighting."
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
