The Knicks’ 2006-2007 Season, Told Entirely in Speculative ‘Post’ Headlines

Last year, the Knicks employed the league’s most expensive roster and lost three-quarters of their games. Tonight in Memphis, they begin their long-anticipated quest to lose only three-fifths of their games. It’s pretty much the same team, a group of incompatible underachievers either past their prime or not even within shouting distance of it. Having shed the pernicious influence of Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown, they hand it all over to the man most responsible for making the mess in the first place: Isiah Thomas. Since the Post’s sports editors will probably have quite a lot of puns to cook up, we thought we’d help them get a head start:

Nov. 21: DOUBTING THOMAS: 12 losses to open season put Isiah on hot seat

Dec. 3: NATE THE GREAT! Runty Robinson misses 10 dunks on one possession, then hits buzzer-beating 360 alley-oop windmill to net Knicks’ first victory

Dec. 5: STEVIE KNICKS! Francis breaks out of monthlong slump, leads Garden gang to 2nd win in a row

Dec. 10: HOOKED ON STEPHONICS!!! Starbury stellar in Knicks’$2 3rd straight win

Dec. 21: JAMAWFUL CRAWFULFORD: God-awful guard racks up more turnovers than possessions as Knicks lose again

Dec. 23: DEADDY CURRY: Bulging big man eats Renaldo Balkman during losing streak, gains 208 pounds

Dec. 27: MERRY KNICKS-MAS: Isiah trades everyone under 25 (Frye, Lee, Robinson, Curry, Collins) for proven injured veteran leaders (Horry, Webber)

Jan. 14: OH PAIR! Francis dribbles for 30 minutes while Marbury chases him trying to steal the ball, Knicks blown out

Feb. 11: STEVIE FRANCYST: Knicks lose to Suns 188-203 as gimpy guard dribbles entire 4th quarter

Jan. 16: QUENTIN TERROR-THREE-NO: Richardson 0-19 from 3-point range as Knicks continue historic slide

Feb. 4: STEPHON MAR.BURIED: Point guard traded for himself, benched

Mar. 2: SPENDING SPREE: Thomas lures Latrell Sprewell out of unemployment with max contract (1.2 million pairs of Starbury One shoes over five years), reportedly in talks with Allan Houston

Apr. 5 (early edition): ISI-YAH LATER!! Dolan fires Thomas after 24th straight loss

Apr. 5 (late edition): RISE-IAH! Despite no longer working for team, Thomas rehires himself as coach, doubles salary

Apr. 19: NEAR-ACLE ON 34th STREET: Inspired by coach’s return, nasty Knicks surge to mediocrity (30-52), nearly sneak into playoffs — Dolan cites “significant progress,” Isiah enters into contract negotiations with himself

Apr.: 22: DOGGONE MAD: MSG boosts price of hot dogs to $35 to raise money for free agent LeBron in 2011

June 1: ZEKE AND DESTROY: Isiah buys out every player’s contract, will have 16 draft picks next season, guarantees playoffs

— Sam Anderson