Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Kinky Divorced Woman Who Fantasizes About Being Eaten by Cannibals: Female, 30, Writer, Providence, Rhode Island, bisexual, in a relationship.
DAY ONE
6:30 a.m. It feels like I’ve escaped into a fantasy life when I wake up next to the Sadist instead of my ex-husband. I heard plenty of warning when I was young about basing a relationship on sex, so I married a friend. Eight years later, we weren’t friends anymore. I’d figured out I was kinky and he wasn’t, and also that I’m pretty uninterested in sex without pain. This time around, I went for the sex. He’s working from home today, so I’m hoping for a sexy lunch break.
12:30 p.m. Lunch break! He pulls me out of my chair by my breasts. This is a quickie so there’s no time for him to really hurt me, but I make sure to say “Ow” and “No” a lot, because those words turn us both on. We don’t go long enough for me to come, but that’s okay because I’ll have a chance later.
9:45 p.m. We go to a diner and get into a State of Our Kink Union conversation. The Sadist never has any shame about doing this in public, but I cringe every time the waitress comes to our table. He says he wants more anal, dirty talk, and rape fantasy. I’ve been getting upset by role-playing scenarios lately, so I tell him I’m happy to struggle while he holds me down, but I don’t want to act anything out. I really want us to find somewhere to go where I feel comfortable screaming while he hurts me (we have upstairs neighbors). When I had sex with my ex I had to fantasize about being raped by a tribe of cannibals who were also devouring me, but that’s because he wouldn’t give me a good pinch or bite. With the Sadist, it’s totally different.
11:30 p.m. It’s late, but we’re both horny. I ask for five minutes of pain, so he flicks a thin fiberglass rod onto my nipples until I’m genuinely struggling to get away. He gets on top of me, and it hurts when his chest rubs my nipples. This is good. I’m close to coming, but again it’s over too soon. I finish myself off by pinching my still-sore nipples and fantasizing about being tied down and pierced repeatedly. When I come, I kiss him goodnight and go to sleep.
DAY TWO
9:30 p.m. We get home late and are tired. I get my collar, lock, and keys out of the nightstand drawer and carry them to him in my teeth. When I was married, I used to wonder if I could convince my husband to let me go hang out with someone who would put a collar on me, even if all we did after that was watch TV. The Sadist strokes my hair and puts the collar on. I feel deep arousal and perfect peace.
10:30 p.m. Not enough time! I ask again for five minutes of pain. He runs a metal pinwheel toy over the soles of my feet while I masturbate. Then I ride him while he pulls on my nipples, and I’m able to come.
DAY THREE
Midnight I forgot to tell the Sadist that my sister would stay with us tonight. He’s mad because we reserve one weekend a month for sex, and this was supposed to be it. I’m mad because he has plans all day tomorrow, so I thought we were rescheduling the sex weekend. I’m worried we’re going to bed without sex tonight, but then he makes fun of the way I’m growling while I breathe, and I start laughing and kissing him.
12:15 a.m. Tonight, he’s the one with a request. He wants me to ride him with my hands tied behind my back. I agree, especially because that’s quieter than anything I’d suggest, and my sister’s in the next room. It kind of hurts when he uses my breasts as handles to guide me up and down, but not really enough. This position turns out to be more psychologically sadistic than anything else, because the Sadist is playing with my fear of heights and falling. I like physical pain because it gets me off in a simple way. Emotional pain or distress is complicated and often has lingering consequences for me.
12:35 a.m. I ask him to move me into a different position. I end up with my bottom up and my face smashed into the bed, hands still tied behind my back. This is really uncomfortable, but in a good way. I have a little orgasm from the combination of shoulder pain and him plowing into my G-spot. I feel I’ve got a better orgasm in me, so I fantasize about having my jaw stretched and masturbate until I come hard.
DAY FOUR
2 p.m. The Sadist is out all day and won’t be back until late, so I have a masturbation session. When I was married I’d take opportunities like this to look at kinky porn that would have offended my ex-husband, and would sometimes end up masturbating for hours or even most of the day. I feel less urgency about it now that I’m with the Sadist, so it’s not too difficult to tear myself away after I come.
DAY FIVE
3 p.m. We are both now on vacation, so we celebrate with the first leisurely sex we’ve had in days. I ask for nipple clamps, which gets the Sadist going on a favorite game. He asks which hurts more, then, in response, tightens the one that hurts less. I suck him while he slaps my breasts, which makes the chain between the clamps swing and keeps up a steady, low-level pain.
3:15 p.m. I get on top and ride him. He’s really into seeing my breasts bounce. I try different angles, looking for what I need to come. He pulls the clamps off and pinches me with his hands instead, and that works. We shower together and spend the next couple hours lounging naked on the bed.
11 p.m. The Sadist comes to bed and catches me in the middle of masturbating, which always excites him. I used to feel terribly ashamed about this when I was with my ex, and it was a huge relief when I figured out that the Sadist likes it.
11:05 p.m. The Sadist plays with my breasts until I come, then gets on top of me. He folds my legs awkwardly. He especially likes it when his penis is what’s hurting me, so he finds a really strange position and asks if it hurts. When I say yes, he smiles. It hurts a lot, until suddenly it feels great.
DAY SIX
4 p.m. I am headed to a fitness class in another city, and the Sadist wonders what he should do while I’m out. He told me recently that he’s sorry he rarely gets to masturbate these days (because we’re always having sex), so I suggest he do that while I’m gone.
9 p.m. I get home, and he’s had two orgasms, one from reading a book about voyeurs and one from watching some French erotic movie. We’ve been playing with kegel balls lately, so he lubes one up and puts it inside me. I go to bed while he plays on the computer, take my turn masturbating, and enjoy the way it feels to come around the ball inside me.
12:45 a.m. I wake up when the Sadist comes to bed. I consider rallying for some sex, but my body is tired from my workout. Instead, I ask him to take out the ball. It has an elastic string attached that he snaps me with while he works the ball out of me. This definitely hurts, but it’s also funny, and we laugh about it for a while, then fall asleep.
DAY SEVEN
8 p.m. On the drive home, we get back to an ongoing conversation. I know I’m a masochist, and I want more than anything to be with someone like him, who’s good to me but also likes to hurt me. But he feels like there’s no socially acceptable way to be a sadist, even when everything we do is consensual. I can see his point. If I told friends he likes to hurt me, I might get handed the number to a domestic violence hotline. It’s different to be a masochist. If he told friends what I like him to do to me, they’d probably congratulate him.
10 p.m. The Sadist tells me he wishes I weren’t so worried about being heard by the neighbors, because he wants to be able to use our crops and floggers late at night. I cut a deal with him: I’ll lift my normal restriction (no spanking or striking noises after 10 p.m.), but if anyone complains he has to deal with them, and we go back to the old rule.
10:10 p.m. As soon as he picks up one of our riding crops, I know I’ve made the right decision. He’s downright gleeful. We go to the bedroom and he gives me an extended lesson on what he likes about our different toys. He launches into a flurry of echoing slaps with the crop that get me worried about the neighbors again, but I’m really turned on because it’s been a while since the Sadist’s heart was in it this much. I masturbate while he hits my inner thighs and nipples with the crop. He climbs onto me as soon as I come.
10:30 p.m. I come again not long after we start having sex. I’m still scared about the neighbors, but I’m so glad the Sadist let himself go a little. I’ve missed that.
TOTALS: 7 acts of intercourse; 8 acts of masturbation (me); 2 acts of masturbation (him); 10 orgasms (me); 9 orgasms (him); 2 big conversations about sex; 1 almost-fight; 6 instances of nipple torture; 8 different sex toys used.
