Jake Paul, very bad neighbor, former Disney star, and late-’90s American Eagle ad come to life, just released a brand-new video, “The Jake Paulers Song.” In it, Paul rides a Jet Ski, sits on the back of a motorbike, and dances with a crew of, presumably, Jake Paulers. But are you, yourself, a Jake Pauler?
Here’s a handy list to find out. Jake Paulers, per Jake Paul:
• Come through
• Are the crew
• Raise the roof (the roof’s on fire, too; it’s a complicated song)
• Keep it lit
• Are the s**t (the word “s**t” here is obscured in the video; like the Voynich manuscript, we will likely never know its meaning)
• Be riding so hard
• All be rocking Goyard
• Go to work
• Buy that merch
• Don’t play
• Are here to stay
• Won the race
• Set the pace
• Are in your face
• Wear the merch
• Are in first
• Always win
How many of these descriptors apply to you? Looking for myself, I “go to work,” which would make me 1/17th (or 5.88 percent) a Jake Pauler. But it’s unclear if there is an element of Manichaeism in being a Jake Pauler. Must you fulfill all of the above qualities to be a Jake Pauler, or can you, say, all be rocking Goyard and raising the roof, but contra the Jake Pauler dogma, not be riding so hard, and still be a Jake Pauler? Luckily, these questions can be answered in a new Jake Paul video, due out very, very soon.
The song is currently at No. 28 on YouTube’s trending section and has, as of this writing, about 7.1 million views. New satellite imagery shows an iceberg dubbed A68, around the size of Delaware, has broken off from Antarctica and is now drifting through the ocean.
