Chaos Among the ClaymatesThe legendarily defensive fans of the pop singer have no idea what to do with the information that their hero is officially gay.
Stevie Cohen Could End Up in a PickleNo, not in the Damian Hirst sense, though that would be amazing: The art-loving SAC Capital Management CEO could have some problems with the SEC if he’s not careful. Plus! An ex–Bear CEO jumps ship at JPMorgan, Natalie Portman’s apartment goes on the block, and Condé Nast has a green issue, in our daily rundown of industry news.
JPMorgan Will Take On Half of Bear Stearns StaffOr you could say JPMorgan will FIRE half of Bear Stearns staff. It’s all how you look at it, really. Plus! The GM building may have a new owner, ‘People’ people get a hairy new deadline, and a lawyer’s advice for tax dodgers in our daily roundup of industry news.
The Babies of Jennifer Lopez Are Upon Us!Finally, People has released the first baby photos of J.Lo and Marc Anthony’s infant children, Max and Emme. Aren’t they cute? And don’t they look just like … dad?
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J.Lo Jennifer Lopez Wants Only the Best for Her Baby PhotosJennifer Lopez, mother to the heaven-sent twins Max and Emme, got $6 million from People magazine in exchange for their first baby pictures, according to reports. But did you also know she demanded her husband, Marc Anthony, be the one to shoot them? That’s what TMZ.com says. (We would have really preferred Anne Geddes, but you can’t have everything.) They also hear that she insisted upon being called “Jennifer,” as opposed to the commonly accepted “J.Lo,” throughout the entire article. Oh, and also for the rest of time. A rep for People told the Website that their story was “absurd,” but we do know that Lopez’s reps prefer for her to be called “Jennifer,” so this doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch. Also, “Jennifer” is no fool. If Marc is behind the cameras, he can’t be in the photos!
J.Lo to ‘People’: Don’t Call Me Dat!! [TMZ.com]
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And on the Third Day, the Lopez Twins Rose From the WombFinally. America’s exhaustive wait is over. Jennifer Lopez, shortly after midnight, expelled her heaven-sent twins from her womb, bestowing their glory unto the world. According to the Associated Press, a 5-pound, 7-ounce girl popped out first, followed a few minutes later by a 6-pound brother. We know that you have a lot of questions: are they healthy? What are their names? Will People really pay $4-6 million for their first mug shots? Is her vagina totally broken now? Unfortunately, we won’t know these answers for a few weeks, until People runs an airbrushed picture of Jennifer’s glowing face inches away from the tots, with a coverline somehow involving the word “joy.” All we know for sure are these two things: One, that those two babies, by virtue of being fraternal boy-and-girl twins, are going to be the awesomest Hollywood hellraisers ever. And two, J.Lo is going to drop that baby weight faster than you can say “Natalia Vodianova is on back on the catwalk.” Even though she was totally a hot pregnant lady, her size was beginning to terrify us a little.
Lopez Gives Birth To Twins in NY [AP]
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Nation, Gird Your Loins! The Lopez-Anthony Twins Cometh!Jennifer Lopez has checked into her private room at Long Island’s North Shore University Hospital, presumably so that she can give birth to the babies that have been making her look majorly fat lately. This very important news comes to us courtesy of “Page Six,” and since the Post went to press last night, this could mean that babies are bursting out of J.Lo’s vagina right this very second. Not that we would know if they were, because the hospital is on lockdown. According to the esteemed New Zealand Herald, Lopez has “banned staff from entering the room where she is due to give birth.” This is likely due to the fact that People magazine has reportedly offered $6.5 million for pictures of the twins, the most money a baby has fetched since the magazine paid $4 million for pics of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in 2004. However, since there are two Lopez babies, it’s really only $3.25 million per twin, and that’s is kind of a slap in the face if you think about it. In any case,* the black-market number for purloined photos is said to be significantly higher. We hear Star is offering an undisclosed but gargantuan sum to anyone who can bring them a photo of the twins with the umbilical cord still attached, and Nick Denton, of Gawker, will pay $7 per second of streaming video to anyone who has the gumption to film the actual birth scene, complete with a sweaty, screaming J.Lo and a pallid and revolted Marc Anthony. Placenta, of course, will be auctioned on eBay starting at midnight the day of the birth.
J.Lo Checks In [NYP]
*From here to the end everything we say is lies
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We’ll Make It, I Swear … to the Governor’s Mansion?Jon Bon Jovi lives in Soho but is keeping a house in Jersey because he may run for governor there one day. Alec Baldwin is worried that Hillary Clinton won’t vote “no” on a $10 billion farm bill that subsidizes farmers who provide fattening foods to schools. Kelly Ripa claims she treats her butt like her breasts by buying really tight jeans and pushing her cheeks together. Cindy Adams claims that Time Warner may be looking to sell People magazine and In Style to Hachette. A stylist for Frederic Fekkai had to wear rubber gloves before shampooing a tweaked-out, sweaty Brandon Davis. High-end TV network Plum TV laid off a bunch of people and may be closing. Makeup maven Olivia Chantecaille has a new banker boyfriend. Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant are still buddies and attended a dinner party at the Upper East Side townhouse of Valentino.
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Bad Dreams
Funny thing we noticed last night about People magazine: People seem to be having a lot of nightmares lately. (Above, this week’s cover at left and the May 28 cover at right.) Horrific family tragedy equals, apparently, a lazy headline writer’s dream!
Horror in the Night [People]
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Harvey, Hillary, and Michael MooreMichael Moore’s new documentary, Sicko, points out how much money Hillary Clinton raises from health-care companies, and Harvey Weinstein tried to get him to remove a scene about it. Angelina Jolie claimed she was sorry Fox News was banned from her A Mighty Heart premiere, but then she banned Us Weekly and Life & Style (but not People and OK!) from the print-press roundtables. Former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey might adopt a kid with his partner. Rosie O’Donnell really wants to host The Price Is Right, but the show’s producers may not be into it. Lindsay Lohan may spend her 21st-birthday party in rehab because she is taking it seriously this time. That, or because Pure won’t host a party for her. Former senator Al D’Amato may play a judge on Law & Order.
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Judi, Judi, JudiAmong the skits to be put on by the city’s political journos at the upcoming Inner Circle roast is one featuring Judi Giuliani as a blow-up sex doll. Us Weekly, Star, and other weekly tabloids are upping their negative coverage of Brangelina because they are sick of getting scooped by People. A handful of people are angling for a portion of deceased Dr. Robert Atkins’s $600 million estate. Mike Bloomberg’s 98-year-old mother sometimes pretends she’s not related to him so people don’t ask her to hook their grandkids up with jobs. NBC’s Today show is losing serious ground to ABC’s Good Morning America and even CBS’s Early Show in the ratings game. Charlie Rose and Amanda Burden may not be broken up, despite reports they are. Jay-Z has plans to ink a deal with Champagne label Ace of Spades to replace Cristal as his drink of choice.
