A Dog Named Bagel Is MissingAllison Frey, the granddaughter of former Bear Stearns CEO Ace Greenberg, lost her Maltese yesterday. We have an idea of where he might be.
Imaginary Eavesdropping on George Bush and Barack ObamaAt 2 p.m., George and Laura Bush will historically greet Barack and Michelle Obama and welcome them into the White House. We imagine how that will go down, away from the microphones…
Inside the Mind of the Subway IdiotJoin us as we imagine the interior monologue of that jerk who makes everything difficult for all of us as we commute.
EXCLUSIVE! Silda Wall Spitzer and Hillary Clinton’s Phone ConversationExclusively in our imaginations, that is. We’re not sure whether Hillary Clinton, in the past 48 hours, has called Silda Wall Spitzer. But it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Clinton is close with the Spitzers, and she did call Dina Matos McGreevey after her ordeal with the whole “My husband’s a gay governor” thing to give counsel. So we’re just going to assume that she did for a moment (we’re not sure you’ll ever hear the real story confirmed by her press people anyway — they likely don’t want to remind everyone that Hillary for a long time was best known for standing by a philandering husband). We’ll never know for sure what might have gone on in such a conversation (until, of course, Silda gives up on Eliot and gets her $3 million book deal), but we do have an idea. Thus, we have constructed for your reading pleasure an imaginary phone conversation between Hillary Clinton and Silda Wall Spitzer:
[A phone rings somewhere in the Spitzer apartment on the Upper East Side. Silda is holed up in the bedroom, reading a copy of Honor Thyself, Danielle Steel’s latest best-seller. She does not get up — the thing has been ringing off the hook, and it’s always for him. Usually these insistent calls come late at night, after she’s thankfully taken a Klonopin and drifted off to sleep. On the other side of the apartment, Eliot is surrounded by advisers in the children’s playroom. He is seated precariously on a Playmobil tea table. He picks up the phone.]
Eliot: If this is anyone but the Daily Princetonian, I have no comment, okay?
Hillary: Hello, Eliot.
Eliot: Kristen? Is it you? I’ve been trying—
Hillary: NO, it’s not KRISTEN. God, they always have white-trash names, don’t they?
Eliot: Mom?
intel
Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest: Messaging Buddies
In the above video, found for us so cleverly by Soup Cans, you can watch a (shakily filmed) segment of Kathy Griffin’s latest comedy routine. In this portion (click above to view), she reveals that while she was co-hosting a New Year’s Eve Times Square special with Cooper, he spent some time sending gossipy texts about her to none other than one of her favorite targets of ridicule, Ryan Seacrest. Apparently they are text buddies. Which means, and we’re just guessing here, that they’re probably IM buddies, too! So, because it’s Friday, we’ve gone and imagined up what we think is probably an extremely accurate imaginary IM conversation between CNN anchor Anderson Cooper and American Idol (and Super Bowl) host Ryan Seacrest:
OhSayCanYouSeacrest: Whazzzzzzzzzzzzzup
HanginWithMrAnderson: DOoooooooood whasssup
OhSayCanYouSeacrest: whatchoo up to
HanginWithMrAnderson: nothin man getting psyched for the superbowl
OhSayCanYouSeacrest: hell yeah you watchin me?
HanginWithMrAnderson: don’t tell the old ball and chain but I laid $500 on the g-men
OhSayCanYouSeacrest: word go jints
OhSayCanYouSeacrest: tough to stop brady and moss tho
HanginWithMrAnderson: stopping moss won’t be a problem with that pass rush
the sports section
Eli Manning’s Nubile Agility Brings Up All of Andrea Peyser’s Old Feelings
Elisha Nelson Manning was a Seinfeld fan who walked around his high school quoting lines from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, the Daily News, which got ahold of his yearbook, tells us today. Which backs up our earlier point: Eli is way too geeky to score with a cheerleader, but it turns out he could have scored with a certain type of lady, like the Post’s Andrea Peyser, who writes an uncomfortably pornographic love letter to the quarterback in today’s Post. “I WANT me some Eli,” she writes. “When it comes to men, there is no competition. Eli Manning is New York’s new super stud — an ‘aw shucks, ma’am’ hottie with jug ears, an infectious grin, and immaculate breeding to go along with his fast hands and field smarts.” Fortunately, Peyser went to high school far away from, and about 45 years before, Manning, and thus was never able to sully him with her fast hands. But reading these two pieces in tandem, a brief vision of what might have happened if they had met in high school came, unbidden, into our brains…
intel
Imaginary Thanksgiving With the Olsen Family!Scene: The Olsen Family Compound, Sherman Oaks, California. The camera pans a table set with linen and crystal and steaming tureens, around which several members of the Olsen family are seated. Their eyes are closed and their heads are bowed in prayer, except for Ashley Olsen, who is sitting on Lance Armstrong’s lap. The Olsens’ mother, Jarnette, begins her holiday prayer.
Jarnette: Let us give thanks today for all of the food in front of us, the roof over our heads, and all of the opportunities given to us.
Lesser Olsens 1 & 2: [In unison.] Thank you, Mary-Kate and Ashley.
