Armed with Twitter and a growing band of converts, capitalism-powered perpetual-motion performance artist Donald Trump is still the Republican front-runner as the year comes to a close. So far his platform consists of promising to “make America great again,” although he has yet to discuss exactly how this will happen if he’s elected — although it is clear that it involves a lot of bombing and feats of strength.
Luckily, Trump is an expert at diversions, and his campaign antics have drawn attention away from any real issues. When you have a set of memorized insults and outlandish claims at your disposal, concrete details are overrated.
We’ve compiled a list — now in its second edition — of his favorite words and phrases. Don’t bother using them sparingly — repetition is key.
This glossary has been updated.
A
amazing (adj.): The opposite of a loser. See classy.
Ailes, Roger (n.): Great, a special guy, a good friend who runs a sometimes awful and unfair media organization. We spoke only two minutes ago.
The Art of the Deal (n.): The best-selling guide to thinking big; required reading for all presidential candidates; the second-greatest book of all time. See Bible.
B
bankruptcy (n.): Something that “many, many others on top of the business world” do; sometimes a “fantastic deal”; “really just a technical thing”; it’s not “a failure, it’s a success.”
Batman (n.): See Donald Trump.
belt buckle (n.): Something that definitely wouldn’t stop a knife.
Bible (n.): The greatest book, even better than No. 1 best seller The Art of the Deal; “just incredible.”
bing bing bong bong bing bing bing (n.): The sound lobbyists make when they are controlling the losers that run this country.
brand (n.): Something that is super-classy and worth billions; an indescribable natural wonder that compels people to buy Donald Trump–brand water; a priceless commodity measured by the ever-changing weather patterns of Donald Trump’s feelings.
Brand, Russell (n): Major loser; the wrong type of brand.
buffoon (n.): A word low-energy people allegedly use to describe winners like Donald Trump. See clown, low-energy.
Bush, George (n.): “Probably the worst president in the history of the United States.”
Bush, Jeb (n.): “A very, very low-energy person.”
C
Carson, Ben (n.): Someone who has a “pathological disease”; someone whom Donald Trump likes.
China (n.): One of the reasons America is not great; a word that must be uttered Carrie Mathison style — your entire face must look like it is chewing a piece of gum.
Citizen Kane (n.): The best movie.
civilly (adv.): How to treat people who don’t attack you first.
classy (adj.): Anything topped with mahogany; any and all golf courses owned and operated by Donald Trump; anything generally excellent; the necklace you give your third wife.
Clinton, Hillary (n.): Someone who “lies like crazy” but not enough to not invite her to your wedding or give her campaign donations.
clown (n.): A word that haters and losers use to describe great guys like Donald Trump. See New York Daily News.
Cruz, Ted (n.): Someone who agrees with Donald Trump “100 percent” and might make a great vice-president.
D
daughter (n.): Someone with great genes whom you might date if she weren’t related to you.
debates (n.): Super boring discussions that are too long that no one would watch if Trump weren’t involved.
Democratic Party (n.) A political organization Donald Trump identified with in 2004; a political platform he would like to squash in 2016.
deviant (n.): Anyone dumb enough to misunderstand Donald Trump’s good intentions; someone who makes menstruation jokes, e.g., Erick Erickson.
Drudge, Matt (n.): A fantastic guy.
The Drudge Report (n.): The best website.
E
ego (n.): Something winners have and losers don’t.
English (n.): The language you should speak in the United States; the language in which you say, “Make America great again.” See China, Mexicans.
F
fantastic (adj.): Linguistic seasoning that turns sentences into quotes. See quotes, huge, loser.
Fox News (n.): The backstabbing loser.
G
going to the bathroom (v.): Something that is “disgusting.”
golf (n.): A super-luxury game for classy people; something Donald Trump definitely doesn’t cheat at.
GOP (n.): An acronym where none of the letters stand for Trump, at least not yet; a weak entity that is defenseless against schemes to make America great again.
got schlonged (v.): A way to explain what happened to Hillary Clinton in the 2008 presidential election that is not currently endorsed by any linguistic or political scholar; according to Merriam-Webster, a vulgar slang word for penis.
great (adj.): The equivalent of “um” or “ah.”
great again (state of being): America under President Trump.
great athlete (n.): Tom Brady, Matt Harvey.
great guy (n.): Tom Brady, John McCain, Jeff Sessions, Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Mike Ditka, Rush Limbaugh, Carl Icahn, Reince Priebus, and Jeff Zucker. See Matt Drudge.
H
hair (state of being): A Cubist sculpture that defies the laws of physics and adds billions to Donald Trump’s brand.
haters and losers (n.): People who fail to recognize that Trump and super-classy are synonyms; the intended audience of 75 percent of Donald Trump tweets. See tweet.
Head & Shoulders (n.): The best shampoo.
huge (adj.): Impossible to ignore; a great adjective.
huge(ly) class(y) (adj.): A generally excellent thing that is impossible to ignore. See Donald Trump.
I
illegals (n.): Undocumented immigrants that “have to go”; criminals spreading Ebola; the people you have to build a wall to keep out. See immigrants.
immigrants (n.): Drug runners; luxury-hotel builders; possibly the people doing the raping.
ISIS (n.): An awful terrorist organization that will be in “such trouble” when President Trump takes “them out so fast.”
J
Jews (n.): Negotiators, just like Donald Trump; people who want to control politicians with all their money.
Jones, Alex (n.): A person whose reputation is amazing.
journalists who write about Donald Trump (n.): People without great writing ability who are also not best-selling authors; dishonest slobs who don’t understand sarcasm; people whom Donald Trump would not have murdered. See loser.
K
Kelly, Megyn (n.): A bimbo; someone who asks really unfair debate questions.
L
lightweight (n.): An inconsequential person. See loser.
loser (n.): Everyone who disagrees with Donald Trump; a person who is rendered useless by his inability to help increase the value of Donald Trump’s brand; what Donald Trump will be if he doesn’t win the 2016 presidential election.
love (v.): A synonym for met once or know, but far more succinct. Should preface most insults, criticisms, and compliments, in order to give them more weight — or at least increase the value of your brand.
low-energy (adj.): Description for Republican presidential candidates who aren’t Donald Trump — but are also not low enough in the polls to be called losers.
M
Merry Christmas: Something that Americans will say all the time during the Trump administration.
Mexicans (n.): Rapists, criminals, or good people.
Mexico wall (n.): An easy, inexpensive fix to keep undocumented immigrants out of the U.S.; something that does not exist but that will be big and beautiful and have a big and beautiful door; something that Mexico will pay for.
Miss Universe Pageant (n.): An event that worked far better when Donald Trump owned it.
Monopoly (n.): A game that is not Trump the Game and should thus be fired.
moron (n.) See loser.
mosques (n.): Places of worship that we should maybe close and definitely keep an eye on.
Muslims (n.): An entire group of people that should be completely banned for entering the U.S.; “wonderful people,” many of whom are friends with Trump.
N
New Jersey (n.): Where thousands of Muslim-Americans cheered after 9/11 — something that has never been proved by contemporary news reports.
New York Daily News (n.): A loser newspaper.
O
orange (adj.): A super-luxury hair color; the color of a radiant sunbeam emanating from the brains of classy people that looks best combed forward until it reaches your nose, and then folded back.
Obama, Barack (n.): An overrated world leader who may or may not have been born in the United States, no one really knows.
overrated (adj.): A word that describes most haters and losers; all ideas Donald Trump disagrees with.
P
Pattinson, Robert (n.): A classy actor who should not date Kristen Stewart.
people who tweet “Fuckface Von Clownstick” (n.): Haters and losers who think they are so original. See haters and losers.
political donations (n.): Wedding invitations.
polls (n.): Daily Donald Trump Christmas presents; a reflection of Donald Trump’s ego; the truth; evidence that proves the superiority of truly classy people.
protesters (n.): People who are not classy, “very obnoxious,” and loud, who maybe deserve to be “roughed up.”
Putin, Vladimir (n.): Someone President Trump would have a great relationship with who is definitely a way better leader than Barack Obama.
Q
quotes (n.): Donald Trump’s greatest natural resource.
R
real estate (n.): A way to make money that is solid, tangible, artistic, and beautiful. A great way to get your name on tall buildings.
refugees (n.): Maybe terrorists in disguise; maybe “one of the great Trojan horses.”
Roosevelt, Franklin Delano (n.): A president who is highly respected and who people name highways after; someone who did what he needed to during war; a leader who shows that banning all Muslims isn’t a bad idea. See Muslims.
Rubio, Marco (n.): Someone who is “weak like a baby” and sweaty.
running as an independent (n.): A super-luxury bargaining chip; a way to Inception into Reince Priebus’s dreams to give him nightmares.
S
slob (n.): See loser.
something terrific (adj.): What President Trump will replace Obamacare with.
space (n.): Something that is “terrific,” especially in the old days, but is now less important than potholes.
Starbucks (n.): A coffee purveyor that great Americans should maybe boycott.
steak (n.): A slab of dead cow that becomes classy when you add the prefix Trump; a source of expensive energy that helps convert fat into ideas that raise the stakes; the subject of the classiest ad campaign of all time.
super-luxury (adj.): More classy than luxury, but not as hugely classy as super-super-luxury.
T
$10 BILLION (n.): Donald Trump’s net worth, according to Donald Trump.
terrific (adj.): A word that compresses the sublime classiness of Donald Trump’s ideas and friends into three syllables.
the (art.): A definite article placed before given names to add billions to your brand.
total loser (n.): Frank Luntz, Karl Rove, Rosie O’Donnell.
tremendous (adj.): A verbal bedazzler that turns any regular old statement or policy idea into one of the greatest ideas of all time.
Trump, Donald (state of being): “The very definition of the American success story“; the healthiest person who would ever be elected to the presidency.
tweet (n.): A political platform; a way to call out losers; tweet (v.): To strike fear in the hearts of one’s opponents.
$2.9 billion (n.): Donald Trump’s net worth, according to financial documents.
U
ugly (adj.): See women.
unbelievable (adj.): Something that is believable, but also amazing.
V
very pro-choice (adj.): Donald Trump’s opinion on abortion in 1999.
very, very strong (adj.): A word that describes how President Trump will be on every single issue.
vodka (n.): Something that is not super-premium unless you attach the prefix Trump; something used to make Trump-and-tonics and Trumptinis; a failed business idea that did not prove to be “success distilled.”
W
war hero (n.): Someone who doesn’t get captured.
the war in Iraq (n.): Something that Donald Trump always knew was a bad idea after it started.
the war against ISIS (n.): Something that President Donald Trump would win by bombing the shit out of terrorists and knocking the hell out of them and killing militants’ families.
Washington (n.): A dump.
waterboarding (n.): Something that terrorists deserve, even if it doesn’t work.
West, Kanye (n.): A much better person than most people think.
Wharton School of Finance (n.): “The hardest, or one of the hardest schools to get into.”
wherever (n.): The female anatomy.
whine (v.): Something winners do to win.
winning (n.): The only word that will exist under President Trump, which seems like it might be monotonous, but you definitely won’t get bored.
women (n.): “Cow,” “pig,” “animal,” “grotesque”; “disgusting”; the sex Donald Trump cherishes and wants to help more than any other candidate.
X
xenophobia (n.): Definitely not why Donald Trump is leading the GOP race in recent polls, no sir, absolutely not, Trump loves Japan, China, and Mexico. See immigrants, Mexicans.
Y
yes (n.): The only word people should use when talking with Donald Trump, if they know what’s good for them.
Z
zero (adj.): The number of chances Carly Fiorina has to win the Republican nomination; the probability that someone who is worth less than Trump’s Gucci store will become president.
