Aileen Gallagher will be writing about the Winter Olympics every weekday for The Sports Section. You should read her because she’s smarter than us. Because the opening ceremonies are tonight, here are her tips to make the Olympics as fun as possible.
The Olympic Games begin tonight, and journalists are climbing every mountain in search of a story line. So far: No snow, bruised shins, and …. ? Canadians can’t even manufacture drama! Go ahead and skip the opening ceremony, because China already won that contest — for life. But we have some suggestions to enhance your enjoyment of seventeen days of watching people you’ve never heard of excel in sports you’ll never play.
Smoke Pot and Watch Ski Jumping
This event is open only to men, and we totally understand why. There’s no way women could push off from atop a mountain, fly down a ramp, float in the air, and successfully land. They don’t have a penis! (It’s an aerodynamic thing.) But spark up and forget about the injustice. Instead, be mesmerized by the weird beauty of watching a human hang in the air, framed by sky. Then have a snack, because ski jumpers have eating disorders.
Feel Svelte During Speed Skating
Is your ass big? Are your thighs chunky? Improve your self-esteem by watching speed skating. You may be fat, but those people have cartoonish butts!
So You Think You Can Ice Dance
You can’t. But marvel that this event even exists. And then make it more fun by imagining that it’s really Ice Dancing With the Stars. Chris Pratt of Parks and Recreation is a dead-ringer for 2009 U.S. Ice Dancing Champion Charlie White. Related: 2006 Olympic silver ice dancer Ben Agosto looks like David Blaine, if he were pleasant.
Try Curling at Home
By the end of the event, your floor will be clean.
You Tried Skeleton and Luge in College
Don’t you remember? You stole a tray from Shaw Dining Hall, got really drunk, and slid down Clarendon Hill on your face. You were so loaded! It was awesome.
Bobsleigh and Ice Hockey
Watch Cool Runnings and Miracle instead. Warning: You might cry.