According to a new study, 62 percent of people think they can understand what their pet is saying to them when it barks, meows, hisses, or chirps. You may think this is a lot, but it’s actually down from 89 percent ten years ago. (That’s a statistic we can’t quite wrap our minds around.) Now, having been owners our entire lives until we moved to this distressingly pet-resistant city, we are a little confused. We’ve never actually thought we knew what was going on inside their brains. (Well, that’s not entirely true. Daily Intel Chris had a little-old-lady Shih Tzu in college who we all swore watched us getting endlessly drunk and sang softly to herself, in Angela Lansbury’s voice, “Tale as old as time…”)
Anyway, you commenters are on fire lately. What do you think your dog or cat is saying to you?
Some ideas:
“When you scratch that area above my tail and I start involuntarily thumping my leg, I know you think I like it, but you’re actually triggering an exquisite kind of nerve torture. Would you like it if I tickled you in your ear canal? Please stop.”
“Chocolate isn’t good for you and you get to have it.”
“If you don’t let me eat this grass, I’m not going to be able to throw up that bad thing I just ate onto the carpet. And then where will we be?”
“Will somebody please brush my effing teeth for me? I don’t have thumbs.”
“Stop yelling. You’re just jealous because you can’t scratch your butt by dragging it across the carpet.”
“Pooping in deep snow is such a nightmare.”
Oh, and in college, that Shih Tzu definitely said once or twice, “I don’t even care that I’ve never seen that other dude before, it’s cold and I’m getting in bed with you.” Anyway, you guys can clearly do better. (Also, obviously, we know nothing about cats.)
